WITTICISMS, APHORISMS, JOKES AND QUIPS BY JARRETT GRODE
Content
Physical attraction is ineffable. The physically unattractive are uneffable
I can't relate to people stockpiling bullets for society's collapse. I'll only need one
I am not pro-choice. Sometimes it should be mandatory
The tanning salon equivalent of the warning on a pack of cigarettes is whoever's
working reception
I only drink once a day. Then all night
The best way to cook something is at low heat for a long time by someone else
No, I'm not blind to white privilege. I see it all the time and immediately stop
reading
All liberals are pro-Palestine. If Jews run the liberal media, they're not doing a good
job
You can't tell me Jeopardy! hasn't gotten way easier over the years. I never got this
many questions right when I was six
Now they give you a card with your HIV test results on it at the free clinic. Collect all
two!
"Permanent solution to a temporary problem" still strikes me as an argument for
If you see Guardians of the Galaxy, stay until the credits are over! When you walk
out you can see if anyone dropped some change!
"Ambien" is Spanglish for "estoy good"
Any company that claims it "doesn't fund Israel" is basically admitting it doesn't pay
taxes
So many idiots treat 4/20 like a real holiday that it's actually sort of become one. It's
pot Kwanzaa
In New York you don't worry about driving drunk because you're walking but in L.A.
you don't worry because you're drunk
If I can't eat a pita without getting flour stuck in my beard it must be the biggest pet
peeve of the entire Middle East (after Jews)
The Velvet Underground has got to be the coolest band ever! They have an entire
song about HEROIN! It's called "I'm Waiting for the Man"
A golden retriever mixed with a poodle is called a goldendoodle and not a
goldenroodle because the goldenroodle is doodle unto others as yoodle'd have them
doodle unto yoodle
Oh relax, the left-facing swastika was a symbol of peace and beauty before the
Nazis turned it into a right-facing one
If NPR truly cared about diversity they'd mix it up every now and then with a day
where that wasn't the focus of every other story
No, I don't use condoms, for the simple and obvious reason that I want to feel more.
Brave
If anyone ever asked me to read back a confirmation number I'd be sooo busted
If you're gay, have some self-respect and don't eat at Chick-fil-A. It is totes carb city,
girlfriend!
You could buy human baby brain dumplings at Trader Joe's and be made to feel
guilty about asking for a bag
Leaving town for a month. Can someone please watch my cat starve to death?
If you don't think referring to your favorite football team with "we" makes you sound
delusional try it with your favorite tennis player
Half-Jewish means both of your parents are fully Jewish but you don't like Bob Dylan
I have 800 dick pics on my phone IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK I'm doing that thing
where you take a selfie every day then make a time-lapse video
If the editors who pick New Yorker short stories reject yours at least it was still read
by everyone who reads New Yorker short stories
KitKat. Lollipop. Marshmallow. Gingerbread. Honeycomb. I wish Android would
update to Vodka because that never freezes
It hasn't been accurate for fifteen years, but I grew up in L.A. and still call Rite-Aid
"Thrifty's" and our public schools "good"
Ariel Castro got off easy. But it’s easy to get off when you have three sex slaves
American Apparel filed for bankruptcy. In its defense, this is the longest it’s ever
gone before falling apart at the seams
"Siri, let everyone in a ten foot radius know I'm composing a mundane text.
Actually, I'll do that myself."
People debating what motivated the Sandy Hook shooter is what motivated the
Sandy Hook shooter
I'd be free from career anxiety if I were much more talented or not at all
Sometimes it's easier to orgasm by yourself than with someone else. Watching
A truly modern, progressive Pope would renounce Catholicism
Heard a story on NPR about how ketamine can help if you're depressed. It's risky,
though. You have to sell a lot before you feel better
The line at Panda Express is another Chinese creation visible from space
My uncle is my dad's twin brother but when I tell people that after they ask if he's
my dad it sounds really sarcastic
I feel so uncultured for asking, but when you eat brie are you supposed to eat the
wax and Saran wrap and price tag?
Republican fury that NEA tax dollars funded "Piss Christ" is exactly how I feel about
Morning Becomes Eclectic
The Invisible Man is a memoir about trying to order a sandwich at Whole Foods
My last name is pronounced: incorrectly
The dictionary.com app now thinks it's okay to send me a push notification at
8:00am about the word of the day. Such temerity
If gay marriage will normalize pedophilia you'd think priests would stop fighting it
Online petitions are less effective than prayer
If a Jew named the day Jesus was murdered it would still be called Good Friday
In this great country, you can commit any crime and have a lawyer defend you for
free. And if the crime is tax evasion, it's free twice!
I have given more thumbs down to music involving Ben Gibbard on Pandora than
Siskel and Ebert did to the Police Academy series
Are you a hashtag joke aficionado? #getoutofcomedy
Heads up guys, there's a DUI checkpoint on Los Feliz Blvd where I crashed my car
into Del Taco after leaving The Roost
I'd like to think having sold drugs to get by means I've paid my dues but SAG still
wants money
I'm so sick of people saying you should adopt from a shelter. We should euthanize
them all and improve the gene pool. Pets, too
The person yapping on a cell phone a few feet away from me is seriously
disrespecting the West Hollywood library by being a woman
Everyone is exactly as excited to give a mixtape as they aren't to receive one
Borrowing books from the library for free then getting a ton of overdue charges
defeats the entire purpose of not paying your taxes
Too bad white privilege doesn't mean I'm allowed to kill people who use that phrase
I hate when you're sick and can't drink because then you still drink
Hey, goyim, calling someone a Jew is OFFENSIVE and THE CORRECT, PROPER TERM
FOR A MEMBER OF THE JEWISH RELIGION so good fucking luck
If Google truly cared about civil liberties it would offer a do not consent to search
engine
Some people think Planned Parenthood only helps pregnant teenagers who want
abortions. That’s not true. We all benefit from that
If I ever offer to sell you heroin or kill someone for money, try to remember I'm a
comedian. We're always broke
Not to brag, but I can go for two hours without ejaculating. Yep. That’s the longest
I've ever gone without jerking off
I love the fettuccine alfredo from Whole Foods because it's good for me because it's
from Whole Foods
The White Party raises money to cure AIDS spread at the White Party
5'9" is like the official height of people who don't know how tall they are
Suppressing so-called "voter fraud" by requiring photo ID is just a racist way to
target blacks and Mexicans since they're the ones most likely to commit voter fraud
I know it's offensive to refer to my religion's supreme deity as Jew God but I just
don't feel like writing Jew G-d
My Honda's black interior on a sunny day. Nagasaki. I get it. We're even
I decline to be counseled by the pharmacist *shoves pill up nose*
The very reason I support taxpayer-funded abortion is so that taxpayers won't have
to pay for unplanned pregnancies
Can't believe Barney's Beanery had to take the "No Fags Allowed" sign off their wall
but not the racism out of their name
"If the sand box is all anyone wants to play in, why don't they build the entire
playground out of the sand box?" -- Jerry Seinfeld's son
Having to teach Africans that raping a virgin does not cure AIDS is sooo a first world
problem
Reading a book is one of life's most affordable pleasures so it's weird that poor
people seem to hate doing it
I judge a newspaper by how well it lines the sink when I trim my beard. America's
worst newspaper is the New York Times Kindle edition
It's not brain surgery, but pulling a Droid from your pocket without declining the call
is exactly as difficult
omg, today I'm gonna Instagram my breakfast, lunch AND dinner! *posts single
picture of Adderall*
The more accurate way for Jews to refer to the countries their ancestors came from
is “chased from”
I wish cocaine felt like what people who've never done it think it does
Shopping at the West Hollywood Pavilions is like shopping in heaven except gay
people are allowed in
"L'eggo my Eggo" is French for "the Eggo my Eggo"
My talent for aphorism is like a gift: I can't exchange it for the money I'd much
rather have
I think the Bee Gees are way better than the Beatles but my boss at Amoeba, a
Lennon fanatic, said do it alphabetically or I'm fired
Pixar's Wristwatches Who Talk 2: Look Who's Tockin'
I can't even stay paleo for a week. How did Ross do it for ten seasons?!
“Just built a museum and you know who it’s named after / Own so many Koons they
call me the slave master” - Eli Broad rapping
Of course Jews are good writers; you have to be to write Hebrew without smearing it
My alarm has a setting that lets me wake up to the sound of a Vietnamese guy
crushing cans. It's called "off"
Ephedra feels good, is energizing, keeps you thin, kills football players and I've still
never heard a good reason for banning it
If women were as good as men at math and science then at least one of them would
be good at Mortal Kombat. Mileena and Kitana don't count
El Pollo Loco is guaranteed to mess up special requests so you have to request "and
please mess up my special requests" so they won't
I feel guilty playing videos games and wasting my life when I could be reading a
novel and wasting my life
Lasts for four months? I've had this Brita filter for six years
The guys on Facebook who link to liberal outrage pieces aren't sheep; they're trying
to make a DIFFERENCE in how often girls fuck them
AIDS cannot be spread by using a public restroom. Find another way
I regret doing so much LSD in high school when I should have saved some
Every Death Cab for Cutie song is the perfect soundtrack to me waiting for it to be
over
They say you shouldn’t eat steak, shrimp, and lobster with ketchup but fuck them I
feel like binging
Lirf is meaningless
I always get Tender Greens and Veggie Grill mixed up. Now THAT'S a salad!
Instead of buying a paper bag for ten cents each time just buy one reusable bag for
a buck each time
Can we please replace "binging" with "marathoning"? I'm not BINGING on Mad Men,
I'm MARATHONING Adderall
No, you're thinking of “Kik,” which is a messenger for your phone. The app I
invented is for location-based Jew-avoidance
An easy way to accurately determine someone’s height is ask then subtract an inch
You wouldn't think the retarded girl on Glee is being exploited for laughs if you knew
what she got paid per episode. (50 rubber duckies!!)
I wish I could get paid to get drunk and pet dogs but that’s not even a real job in
this economy
Gay guys have nice handwriting because it's like figure skating on paper
It must kill Scalia's gay son to know his father will never ever support funding NPR
If you deal with depression by binge eating you'd have been REALLY depressed
during the Depression
A DUI checkpoint means your progress is saved and you start there next time if you
die, right?
People who think rhythm games died with Guitar Hero 5 and Rock Band 3 are
forgetting about Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing 17
Zimmerman will walk. The writing's on the wall and the star witness can't read it
A Chinese billionaire bought Grindr. Well, that's one way to stick it to all the profiles
specifying no Asians
I hate conflict, which makes it that much harder for me to write a screenplay
I wonder if the bank robber who held a gun to Paula Deen's head accepts her
apology
The funniest thing you can call the President and the only thing you can call the
President are the same thing: Mr. President
I'm not TRYING to Jew you down; it's effortless
West Hollywood's most successful HIV prevention program is how hard they've
made it to park at night
It's more impressive if you didn't see a celebrity at Whole Foods
If you don't believe Jews run the media try updating their Wikipedia page with that
fact and watch how fast it gets taken down
Here’s a mnemonic device so you don't embarrass yourself by confusing astronomy
and astrology: ASTRONomy ASTRONaut ASTROLogy IS NOT SCIENCE
Sometimes I wish I were dead...icated to improving my speling!
Ugh, I am so over the Doppler effect! Oh no wait I'm actually under it
I bet the Odd Future kids are so angry because they always just spent 20 minutes
looking for a parking spot near Fairfax
It's okay when I call it the Jew York Times but you have to say Jewish
Yes we CAN just spend our way to better public schools if the money is spent on
sterilization
I'm actually WORKING to achieve my dreams in my dreams
People who walk around playing music on their iPhones are like people who carried
a ghetto blaster in the 80's: black
Stupid no-free-bags-in-California law already cost me $17,000! It was a Birkin, but
still!
Yep, my streak of solved New York Times crossword puzzles remains unbroken: zero
Oscar Wilde said the essence of romance is uncertainty. That’s why I call my HIV
status romantic
Living with chefs is weird because I never know which expensive frying pan I'm
allowed to use to hammer in nails
I don't care if they stopped donating to anti-gay groups; I STILL WON'T EAT AT
CHICK-FIL-A on Sunday
Kim Jong Un is trying to make America bomb North Korea because he's finally
getting serious about ending his people's suffering
People who think Muslims and Jews can't work together are forgetting about Islamic
terrorists and the ACLU
"I hate Taipei people" - racist Type B person
Snooki's revealed how she lost 42 pounds: first, she lost 40 pounds when she cut
her drinking in half, then she gave birth
Keith Haring sucked. Good artist, though
If you're wondering how crowded Earth will be in 150 years there's a parking lot in
Glendale that serves a Trader Joe's AND Chipotle
"I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license!" - the dad from Clueless
sounds like a stupid lawyer
Mindy McCready: fifth person to die after appearing on Celebrity Rehab, fifth cast
member in the show’s history to stop doing drugs
Of course the guy who killed Osama bin Laden is unemployed. His job was to kill
Osama bin Laden
"It's on the fridge" would be a really good WiFi password
The real lesson of Christopher Dorner's rampage: if you are black and running from
the cops don't hide in a ski town
Jokes about how the guy who killed Osama bin Laden is unemployed trivialize a war
hero: Osama bin Laden
Ironic that Jews love Chinese food since the whole point is to share
The Enquirer is saying OJ Simpson has turned gay in prison. From Heisman Award
winner to gay in prison: some guys have it all
Play it safe: NEVER TEXT DRUG DEALS without writing "jk" at the end
The first thing I do with any new item of American Apparel clothing is wash it in hot
water and dry it for an hour. I can't live in fear
Free pancakes at IHOP today! AVOID IHOP
I watched the Jackson Pollock biopic last night. I learned a lot about his random
splatter. (Meaning I didn't know he died in a car crash)
Movie posters that brag "from the producer of" are just saying "from the Jew who
financed"
A like from someone you want to sleep with is worth as much as a like from
someone who wants to sleep with you is worthless
David Foster Wallace accomplished so much that I never will, like finishing Infinite
Jest before dying
I won't go so far as to say I wish I had relatives who died in the Holocaust but it's
tough to accept I'll never own a Monet
"Oui, d'Accord" - French guy to valet
Drinking during the day makes me sleepy after just a few sips so why stop there
Those Indian bus rapists are finally in court today for using an expired transfer
If rape didn't exist animal shelters would have far fewer half-pit bulls
I don't describe myself as compulsively honest and mean it as a synonym for jerk; I
mean it in addition to
They're rebooting Terminator! (His circuitry glitched)
Jews breeding with only other Jews has cursed us with congenital health problems.
Thank G-d it's preserved our intelligence to find cures
I thought my nighttime grinding was incurable but my doctor says just stop drinking
so I was right
Sunday is THE LORD'S day. THAT'S why I'm playing Deicide's "Homage For Satan" at
work
I can't believe "Gangnam Style" has a billion views because that means
300,000,000 Asians haven't seen it
I'm a functional stoner if the task is obsessing over things I wish I hadn't said
"Hey, save some for the fishes!" - a guy who caught another guy eating fish food
The only people on Earth who don't like the Jesus and Mary Chain that I can still
respect are Jim and William Reid
Would you get a swastika tattoo for $50,000? Because I think I might be getting
overcharged
DAMMIT I just dropped my phone in the bath! And I'm still alive!
Clicked "mark as spam" on his emails so many times Yahoo! thinks Barack Obama is
a Nigerian scam artist. Now to convince everyone else
Trying to pick the best Bob Dylan and Limp Bizkit song is impossible for different
reasons
Afghanistan will never have a functioning, sustainable economy until we end the
war. On drugs
Just bought four million Droid cords on eBay so at least I don't have to worry about
losing them for a week
NPR sounds like this: "Diversity, diversity, diversity, diversity, diversity, racism,
diversity, please give us money white people"
I hoped my septoplasty would make me sound like Alec Baldwin but the closest I've
come is calling a hotel clerk a dumb cunt
I understand why everyone thinks "Monster" is one of R.E.M.'s worst albums:
because it's good and everyone is stupid
If you use the word "privilege" to describe anything other than your ten-year-old
son's Xbox access on school nights, that's problematic
Slowing down to 20mph when you see a cop IS breaking the law
I can't even remember the last time I saw a movie in a theater blackout drunk
I support a two-state solution only if the Jews keep New York and California
My dreams are so vivid after not smoking pot I now think "Inception" is about a guy
whose dealer is out of town
“Cobb is dreamy in every scene” – gay guy’s take on Inception
“The Byrds Play Bob Dylan” is the best musical tribute to a Jew by Gentiles. The
worst is all Christian rock
Nirvana’s “Aneurysm” will remain my favorite live performance until Jason Mraz has
one on stage
You know it's Halloween in West Hollywood when guys are running around dressed
like princesses and freaking out because they still don't have a costume
Bob Marley playing in a dispensary is like Sublime playing in a methadone clinic:
awful music that blows your high
If you got an email from me begging for donations to pay for my brother’s chemo,
please ignore it. My email was hacked by my brother
The most upsetting thing about YouTube bowing to Islamists and blocking that video
is that I paid for a pop-up ad on it
The word “daddy” in porn…blecch! Even typing that almost made me lose my
erection!
I wish I could go back in time to the 90's when Apple stock was dirt cheap and
stockpile LSD
Tyga gave his girlfriend Kylie Jenner a $320,000 Lamborghini? How the fuck does a
rapper with one hit and no platinum records have enough money to buy Kylie Jenner
The guys that practically try to jump into my car when I pull into the parking lot at
Home Depot wouldn't bother if they knew I was just buying batteries and not into
Latinos
Accutane only causes suicide when people taking it realize they're still unattractive
with clear skin
So what if Planned Parenthood sells aborted fetal tissue for stem cell research? The
entire POINT of Planned Parenthood is to prevent babies from ending up in the trash
Texting "here!" instead of calling when you're outside to pick me up is just bizarre. If
you want to avoid speaking to me that badly, don't give me a ride
omg the full moon is totes driving me nuts because I work with THREE Aries who
think astrology is not garbage
I wonder if Trader Joe's employees ever feel compelled to eat all the food since it's
always a day away from expiring
I used to wonder if I was capable of loving a child but now I love my Honda Fit so
much I realize I'm even more shallow than I thought
An easy way to get drunk while avoiding a DUI on New Year's Eve is to get one on
Christmas Eve
The stress of Target always being sold out of bite guards is compounding the
problem
If Bristol Palin could figure out when it's appropriate to open her mouth she wouldn't
have gotten pregnant at 17
If I knew in high school what I know now I'd need remedial classes
Original Gustav Klimt painting purchased at yard sale for $5.00 sells at auction for
$25.00
So hard not to be jealous of Anne Frank. Writing a bestseller at 13!
Pretty sure my last meal will be my bite guard
Got a telescope so I can spy on people having sex but so far I've only seen them do
experiments on the space station
YOU KNOW the Salvation Army actively opposes gay rights yet you're STILL
DONATING to Goodwill?!
Every restaurant should have an item on the menu called What Your Friend Ordered
since that always looks better but I'd probably never order it
Hey, minorities and other ethnicities do not make hilarious Halloween costumes.
Except the Chinese, who make all Halloween costumes
Verbiage is an instance of needless or extraneous words. Verbage is not a real word.
Verbage is verbiage
Typing on a touch screen sucks, period. Or, as this would read had I written it using
one, typoing on atouchj screen sucj, periwinkle
Some of you more aggressive Candy Crush inviters should be military recruiters but
get a job regardless
Adderall is also a sleeping pill if you wait two days
It's hard to be modest when I just can't get over how clever I am not considered by
everyone else
The Crocodile Hunter instructed his crew to never put their cameras down and stop
filming him, even if he died. So they're still filming him
If you want to possess the single most attractive quality anyone can have, be
passionate about working hard at something you love doing. This will allow you to
afford your own place, which is the single most attractive quality anyone can have
Here's a tip for making your way through West Hollywood: avoid eye contact. In
prison, that's a sign of aggression. In West Hollywood, it's the opposite. But the
outcome is exactly the same
I thought I was a high-functioning autistic but it turns out I'm just a low-functioning
normal person :-(
My cat needs a $4,000 operation. So, if you could, I've set up a donation page to
raise fifty bucks to adopt a new one
"That 'No one, ever' quote joke is funny every time I see it" -- No one, ever
I can't relate to people stockpiling bullets for society's collapse. I'll only need one
I am not pro-choice. Sometimes it should be mandatory
The tanning salon equivalent of the warning on a pack of cigarettes is whoever's
working reception
I only drink once a day. Then all night
The best way to cook something is at low heat for a long time by someone else
No, I'm not blind to white privilege. I see it all the time and immediately stop
reading
All liberals are pro-Palestine. If Jews run the liberal media, they're not doing a good
job
You can't tell me Jeopardy! hasn't gotten way easier over the years. I never got this
many questions right when I was six
Now they give you a card with your HIV test results on it at the free clinic. Collect all
two!
"Permanent solution to a temporary problem" still strikes me as an argument for
If you see Guardians of the Galaxy, stay until the credits are over! When you walk
out you can see if anyone dropped some change!
"Ambien" is Spanglish for "estoy good"
Any company that claims it "doesn't fund Israel" is basically admitting it doesn't pay
taxes
So many idiots treat 4/20 like a real holiday that it's actually sort of become one. It's
pot Kwanzaa
In New York you don't worry about driving drunk because you're walking but in L.A.
you don't worry because you're drunk
If I can't eat a pita without getting flour stuck in my beard it must be the biggest pet
peeve of the entire Middle East (after Jews)
The Velvet Underground has got to be the coolest band ever! They have an entire
song about HEROIN! It's called "I'm Waiting for the Man"
A golden retriever mixed with a poodle is called a goldendoodle and not a
goldenroodle because the goldenroodle is doodle unto others as yoodle'd have them
doodle unto yoodle
Oh relax, the left-facing swastika was a symbol of peace and beauty before the
Nazis turned it into a right-facing one
If NPR truly cared about diversity they'd mix it up every now and then with a day
where that wasn't the focus of every other story
No, I don't use condoms, for the simple and obvious reason that I want to feel more.
Brave
If anyone ever asked me to read back a confirmation number I'd be sooo busted
If you're gay, have some self-respect and don't eat at Chick-fil-A. It is totes carb city,
girlfriend!
You could buy human baby brain dumplings at Trader Joe's and be made to feel
guilty about asking for a bag
Leaving town for a month. Can someone please watch my cat starve to death?
If you don't think referring to your favorite football team with "we" makes you sound
delusional try it with your favorite tennis player
Half-Jewish means both of your parents are fully Jewish but you don't like Bob Dylan
I have 800 dick pics on my phone IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK I'm doing that thing
where you take a selfie every day then make a time-lapse video
If the editors who pick New Yorker short stories reject yours at least it was still read
by everyone who reads New Yorker short stories
KitKat. Lollipop. Marshmallow. Gingerbread. Honeycomb. I wish Android would
update to Vodka because that never freezes
It hasn't been accurate for fifteen years, but I grew up in L.A. and still call Rite-Aid
"Thrifty's" and our public schools "good"
Ariel Castro got off easy. But it’s easy to get off when you have three sex slaves
American Apparel filed for bankruptcy. In its defense, this is the longest it’s ever
gone before falling apart at the seams
"Siri, let everyone in a ten foot radius know I'm composing a mundane text.
Actually, I'll do that myself."
People debating what motivated the Sandy Hook shooter is what motivated the
Sandy Hook shooter
I'd be free from career anxiety if I were much more talented or not at all
Sometimes it's easier to orgasm by yourself than with someone else. Watching
A truly modern, progressive Pope would renounce Catholicism
Heard a story on NPR about how ketamine can help if you're depressed. It's risky,
though. You have to sell a lot before you feel better
The line at Panda Express is another Chinese creation visible from space
My uncle is my dad's twin brother but when I tell people that after they ask if he's
my dad it sounds really sarcastic
I feel so uncultured for asking, but when you eat brie are you supposed to eat the
wax and Saran wrap and price tag?
Republican fury that NEA tax dollars funded "Piss Christ" is exactly how I feel about
Morning Becomes Eclectic
The Invisible Man is a memoir about trying to order a sandwich at Whole Foods
My last name is pronounced: incorrectly
The dictionary.com app now thinks it's okay to send me a push notification at
8:00am about the word of the day. Such temerity
If gay marriage will normalize pedophilia you'd think priests would stop fighting it
Online petitions are less effective than prayer
If a Jew named the day Jesus was murdered it would still be called Good Friday
In this great country, you can commit any crime and have a lawyer defend you for
free. And if the crime is tax evasion, it's free twice!
I have given more thumbs down to music involving Ben Gibbard on Pandora than
Siskel and Ebert did to the Police Academy series
Are you a hashtag joke aficionado? #getoutofcomedy
Heads up guys, there's a DUI checkpoint on Los Feliz Blvd where I crashed my car
into Del Taco after leaving The Roost
I'd like to think having sold drugs to get by means I've paid my dues but SAG still
wants money
I'm so sick of people saying you should adopt from a shelter. We should euthanize
them all and improve the gene pool. Pets, too
The person yapping on a cell phone a few feet away from me is seriously
disrespecting the West Hollywood library by being a woman
Everyone is exactly as excited to give a mixtape as they aren't to receive one
Borrowing books from the library for free then getting a ton of overdue charges
defeats the entire purpose of not paying your taxes
Too bad white privilege doesn't mean I'm allowed to kill people who use that phrase
I hate when you're sick and can't drink because then you still drink
Hey, goyim, calling someone a Jew is OFFENSIVE and THE CORRECT, PROPER TERM
FOR A MEMBER OF THE JEWISH RELIGION so good fucking luck
If Google truly cared about civil liberties it would offer a do not consent to search
engine
Some people think Planned Parenthood only helps pregnant teenagers who want
abortions. That’s not true. We all benefit from that
If I ever offer to sell you heroin or kill someone for money, try to remember I'm a
comedian. We're always broke
Not to brag, but I can go for two hours without ejaculating. Yep. That’s the longest
I've ever gone without jerking off
I love the fettuccine alfredo from Whole Foods because it's good for me because it's
from Whole Foods
The White Party raises money to cure AIDS spread at the White Party
5'9" is like the official height of people who don't know how tall they are
Suppressing so-called "voter fraud" by requiring photo ID is just a racist way to
target blacks and Mexicans since they're the ones most likely to commit voter fraud
I know it's offensive to refer to my religion's supreme deity as Jew God but I just
don't feel like writing Jew G-d
My Honda's black interior on a sunny day. Nagasaki. I get it. We're even
I decline to be counseled by the pharmacist *shoves pill up nose*
The very reason I support taxpayer-funded abortion is so that taxpayers won't have
to pay for unplanned pregnancies
Can't believe Barney's Beanery had to take the "No Fags Allowed" sign off their wall
but not the racism out of their name
"If the sand box is all anyone wants to play in, why don't they build the entire
playground out of the sand box?" -- Jerry Seinfeld's son
Having to teach Africans that raping a virgin does not cure AIDS is sooo a first world
problem
Reading a book is one of life's most affordable pleasures so it's weird that poor
people seem to hate doing it
I judge a newspaper by how well it lines the sink when I trim my beard. America's
worst newspaper is the New York Times Kindle edition
It's not brain surgery, but pulling a Droid from your pocket without declining the call
is exactly as difficult
omg, today I'm gonna Instagram my breakfast, lunch AND dinner! *posts single
picture of Adderall*
The more accurate way for Jews to refer to the countries their ancestors came from
is “chased from”
I wish cocaine felt like what people who've never done it think it does
Shopping at the West Hollywood Pavilions is like shopping in heaven except gay
people are allowed in
"L'eggo my Eggo" is French for "the Eggo my Eggo"
My talent for aphorism is like a gift: I can't exchange it for the money I'd much
rather have
I think the Bee Gees are way better than the Beatles but my boss at Amoeba, a
Lennon fanatic, said do it alphabetically or I'm fired
Pixar's Wristwatches Who Talk 2: Look Who's Tockin'
I can't even stay paleo for a week. How did Ross do it for ten seasons?!
“Just built a museum and you know who it’s named after / Own so many Koons they
call me the slave master” - Eli Broad rapping
Of course Jews are good writers; you have to be to write Hebrew without smearing it
My alarm has a setting that lets me wake up to the sound of a Vietnamese guy
crushing cans. It's called "off"
Ephedra feels good, is energizing, keeps you thin, kills football players and I've still
never heard a good reason for banning it
If women were as good as men at math and science then at least one of them would
be good at Mortal Kombat. Mileena and Kitana don't count
El Pollo Loco is guaranteed to mess up special requests so you have to request "and
please mess up my special requests" so they won't
I feel guilty playing videos games and wasting my life when I could be reading a
novel and wasting my life
Lasts for four months? I've had this Brita filter for six years
The guys on Facebook who link to liberal outrage pieces aren't sheep; they're trying
to make a DIFFERENCE in how often girls fuck them
AIDS cannot be spread by using a public restroom. Find another way
I regret doing so much LSD in high school when I should have saved some
Every Death Cab for Cutie song is the perfect soundtrack to me waiting for it to be
over
They say you shouldn’t eat steak, shrimp, and lobster with ketchup but fuck them I
feel like binging
Lirf is meaningless
I always get Tender Greens and Veggie Grill mixed up. Now THAT'S a salad!
Instead of buying a paper bag for ten cents each time just buy one reusable bag for
a buck each time
Can we please replace "binging" with "marathoning"? I'm not BINGING on Mad Men,
I'm MARATHONING Adderall
No, you're thinking of “Kik,” which is a messenger for your phone. The app I
invented is for location-based Jew-avoidance
An easy way to accurately determine someone’s height is ask then subtract an inch
You wouldn't think the retarded girl on Glee is being exploited for laughs if you knew
what she got paid per episode. (50 rubber duckies!!)
I wish I could get paid to get drunk and pet dogs but that’s not even a real job in
this economy
Gay guys have nice handwriting because it's like figure skating on paper
It must kill Scalia's gay son to know his father will never ever support funding NPR
If you deal with depression by binge eating you'd have been REALLY depressed
during the Depression
A DUI checkpoint means your progress is saved and you start there next time if you
die, right?
People who think rhythm games died with Guitar Hero 5 and Rock Band 3 are
forgetting about Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing 17
Zimmerman will walk. The writing's on the wall and the star witness can't read it
A Chinese billionaire bought Grindr. Well, that's one way to stick it to all the profiles
specifying no Asians
I hate conflict, which makes it that much harder for me to write a screenplay
I wonder if the bank robber who held a gun to Paula Deen's head accepts her
apology
The funniest thing you can call the President and the only thing you can call the
President are the same thing: Mr. President
I'm not TRYING to Jew you down; it's effortless
West Hollywood's most successful HIV prevention program is how hard they've
made it to park at night
It's more impressive if you didn't see a celebrity at Whole Foods
If you don't believe Jews run the media try updating their Wikipedia page with that
fact and watch how fast it gets taken down
Here’s a mnemonic device so you don't embarrass yourself by confusing astronomy
and astrology: ASTRONomy ASTRONaut ASTROLogy IS NOT SCIENCE
Sometimes I wish I were dead...icated to improving my speling!
Ugh, I am so over the Doppler effect! Oh no wait I'm actually under it
I bet the Odd Future kids are so angry because they always just spent 20 minutes
looking for a parking spot near Fairfax
It's okay when I call it the Jew York Times but you have to say Jewish
Yes we CAN just spend our way to better public schools if the money is spent on
sterilization
I'm actually WORKING to achieve my dreams in my dreams
People who walk around playing music on their iPhones are like people who carried
a ghetto blaster in the 80's: black
Stupid no-free-bags-in-California law already cost me $17,000! It was a Birkin, but
still!
Yep, my streak of solved New York Times crossword puzzles remains unbroken: zero
Oscar Wilde said the essence of romance is uncertainty. That’s why I call my HIV
status romantic
Living with chefs is weird because I never know which expensive frying pan I'm
allowed to use to hammer in nails
I don't care if they stopped donating to anti-gay groups; I STILL WON'T EAT AT
CHICK-FIL-A on Sunday
Kim Jong Un is trying to make America bomb North Korea because he's finally
getting serious about ending his people's suffering
People who think Muslims and Jews can't work together are forgetting about Islamic
terrorists and the ACLU
"I hate Taipei people" - racist Type B person
Snooki's revealed how she lost 42 pounds: first, she lost 40 pounds when she cut
her drinking in half, then she gave birth
Keith Haring sucked. Good artist, though
If you're wondering how crowded Earth will be in 150 years there's a parking lot in
Glendale that serves a Trader Joe's AND Chipotle
"I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license!" - the dad from Clueless
sounds like a stupid lawyer
Mindy McCready: fifth person to die after appearing on Celebrity Rehab, fifth cast
member in the show’s history to stop doing drugs
Of course the guy who killed Osama bin Laden is unemployed. His job was to kill
Osama bin Laden
"It's on the fridge" would be a really good WiFi password
The real lesson of Christopher Dorner's rampage: if you are black and running from
the cops don't hide in a ski town
Jokes about how the guy who killed Osama bin Laden is unemployed trivialize a war
hero: Osama bin Laden
Ironic that Jews love Chinese food since the whole point is to share
The Enquirer is saying OJ Simpson has turned gay in prison. From Heisman Award
winner to gay in prison: some guys have it all
Play it safe: NEVER TEXT DRUG DEALS without writing "jk" at the end
The first thing I do with any new item of American Apparel clothing is wash it in hot
water and dry it for an hour. I can't live in fear
Free pancakes at IHOP today! AVOID IHOP
I watched the Jackson Pollock biopic last night. I learned a lot about his random
splatter. (Meaning I didn't know he died in a car crash)
Movie posters that brag "from the producer of" are just saying "from the Jew who
financed"
A like from someone you want to sleep with is worth as much as a like from
someone who wants to sleep with you is worthless
David Foster Wallace accomplished so much that I never will, like finishing Infinite
Jest before dying
I won't go so far as to say I wish I had relatives who died in the Holocaust but it's
tough to accept I'll never own a Monet
"Oui, d'Accord" - French guy to valet
Drinking during the day makes me sleepy after just a few sips so why stop there
Those Indian bus rapists are finally in court today for using an expired transfer
If rape didn't exist animal shelters would have far fewer half-pit bulls
I don't describe myself as compulsively honest and mean it as a synonym for jerk; I
mean it in addition to
They're rebooting Terminator! (His circuitry glitched)
Jews breeding with only other Jews has cursed us with congenital health problems.
Thank G-d it's preserved our intelligence to find cures
I thought my nighttime grinding was incurable but my doctor says just stop drinking
so I was right
Sunday is THE LORD'S day. THAT'S why I'm playing Deicide's "Homage For Satan" at
work
I can't believe "Gangnam Style" has a billion views because that means
300,000,000 Asians haven't seen it
I'm a functional stoner if the task is obsessing over things I wish I hadn't said
"Hey, save some for the fishes!" - a guy who caught another guy eating fish food
The only people on Earth who don't like the Jesus and Mary Chain that I can still
respect are Jim and William Reid
Would you get a swastika tattoo for $50,000? Because I think I might be getting
overcharged
DAMMIT I just dropped my phone in the bath! And I'm still alive!
Clicked "mark as spam" on his emails so many times Yahoo! thinks Barack Obama is
a Nigerian scam artist. Now to convince everyone else
Trying to pick the best Bob Dylan and Limp Bizkit song is impossible for different
reasons
Afghanistan will never have a functioning, sustainable economy until we end the
war. On drugs
Just bought four million Droid cords on eBay so at least I don't have to worry about
losing them for a week
NPR sounds like this: "Diversity, diversity, diversity, diversity, diversity, racism,
diversity, please give us money white people"
I hoped my septoplasty would make me sound like Alec Baldwin but the closest I've
come is calling a hotel clerk a dumb cunt
I understand why everyone thinks "Monster" is one of R.E.M.'s worst albums:
because it's good and everyone is stupid
If you use the word "privilege" to describe anything other than your ten-year-old
son's Xbox access on school nights, that's problematic
Slowing down to 20mph when you see a cop IS breaking the law
I can't even remember the last time I saw a movie in a theater blackout drunk
I support a two-state solution only if the Jews keep New York and California
My dreams are so vivid after not smoking pot I now think "Inception" is about a guy
whose dealer is out of town
“Cobb is dreamy in every scene” – gay guy’s take on Inception
“The Byrds Play Bob Dylan” is the best musical tribute to a Jew by Gentiles. The
worst is all Christian rock
Nirvana’s “Aneurysm” will remain my favorite live performance until Jason Mraz has
one on stage
You know it's Halloween in West Hollywood when guys are running around dressed
like princesses and freaking out because they still don't have a costume
Bob Marley playing in a dispensary is like Sublime playing in a methadone clinic:
awful music that blows your high
If you got an email from me begging for donations to pay for my brother’s chemo,
please ignore it. My email was hacked by my brother
The most upsetting thing about YouTube bowing to Islamists and blocking that video
is that I paid for a pop-up ad on it
The word “daddy” in porn…blecch! Even typing that almost made me lose my
erection!
I wish I could go back in time to the 90's when Apple stock was dirt cheap and
stockpile LSD
Tyga gave his girlfriend Kylie Jenner a $320,000 Lamborghini? How the fuck does a
rapper with one hit and no platinum records have enough money to buy Kylie Jenner
The guys that practically try to jump into my car when I pull into the parking lot at
Home Depot wouldn't bother if they knew I was just buying batteries and not into
Latinos
Accutane only causes suicide when people taking it realize they're still unattractive
with clear skin
So what if Planned Parenthood sells aborted fetal tissue for stem cell research? The
entire POINT of Planned Parenthood is to prevent babies from ending up in the trash
Texting "here!" instead of calling when you're outside to pick me up is just bizarre. If
you want to avoid speaking to me that badly, don't give me a ride
omg the full moon is totes driving me nuts because I work with THREE Aries who
think astrology is not garbage
I wonder if Trader Joe's employees ever feel compelled to eat all the food since it's
always a day away from expiring
I used to wonder if I was capable of loving a child but now I love my Honda Fit so
much I realize I'm even more shallow than I thought
An easy way to get drunk while avoiding a DUI on New Year's Eve is to get one on
Christmas Eve
The stress of Target always being sold out of bite guards is compounding the
problem
If Bristol Palin could figure out when it's appropriate to open her mouth she wouldn't
have gotten pregnant at 17
If I knew in high school what I know now I'd need remedial classes
Original Gustav Klimt painting purchased at yard sale for $5.00 sells at auction for
$25.00
So hard not to be jealous of Anne Frank. Writing a bestseller at 13!
Pretty sure my last meal will be my bite guard
Got a telescope so I can spy on people having sex but so far I've only seen them do
experiments on the space station
YOU KNOW the Salvation Army actively opposes gay rights yet you're STILL
DONATING to Goodwill?!
Every restaurant should have an item on the menu called What Your Friend Ordered
since that always looks better but I'd probably never order it
Hey, minorities and other ethnicities do not make hilarious Halloween costumes.
Except the Chinese, who make all Halloween costumes
Verbiage is an instance of needless or extraneous words. Verbage is not a real word.
Verbage is verbiage
Typing on a touch screen sucks, period. Or, as this would read had I written it using
one, typoing on atouchj screen sucj, periwinkle
Some of you more aggressive Candy Crush inviters should be military recruiters but
get a job regardless
Adderall is also a sleeping pill if you wait two days
It's hard to be modest when I just can't get over how clever I am not considered by
everyone else
The Crocodile Hunter instructed his crew to never put their cameras down and stop
filming him, even if he died. So they're still filming him
If you want to possess the single most attractive quality anyone can have, be
passionate about working hard at something you love doing. This will allow you to
afford your own place, which is the single most attractive quality anyone can have
Here's a tip for making your way through West Hollywood: avoid eye contact. In
prison, that's a sign of aggression. In West Hollywood, it's the opposite. But the
outcome is exactly the same
I thought I was a high-functioning autistic but it turns out I'm just a low-functioning
normal person :-(
My cat needs a $4,000 operation. So, if you could, I've set up a donation page to
raise fifty bucks to adopt a new one
"That 'No one, ever' quote joke is funny every time I see it" -- No one, ever
